


Dreaming or Sinking

by ittybittykozume



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Character Death, Confessions, Crying, Drinking, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Underage Drinking, i promise there's no actual suicide, im terrible at tags, it's total homo, kuroo says no homo, yes there will be sex, youre all going to hate me for this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-08-23 09:09:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8322175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ittybittykozume/pseuds/ittybittykozume
Summary: "...do you ever just want to run away?" Kenma was a mystery to everyone, everyone except Kuroo who had grown up with him since childhood, but even then the boy was still a mystery even to him. Two years ago, Kenma had brought up the idea of running away, not together but not alone either, it was just a simple question that he thought about constantly. Kuroo never knew that it would become more than just a harmless question until his setter, his best friend, disappears one day and his life seems to lose traction as the days pass and his little kitten doesn't return home.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow okay, so this is my first kuroken fic and I'm really hoping you all enjoy it. Be aware of the tags, there will be a major character death and I'm very sorry about this but my mind doesn't let my faves have a good time that often. This fic is based off of a song called Dreaming Or Sinking by Hotel Books so if you guys want to check that out, here's a link >>> ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Q2EzlLzWOk ) please leave comments, criticism, anything! It's all super helpful and I'll try to post another chapter within the next couple weeks! Enjoy! ~

Streams of morning sunlight like strips of golden, flowing fabric making it’s way through the cracks in the shutters, the smell of clean laundry or newly bloomed cherry blossoms, an oversized knit sweater and the feel of it against your bare skin. If you had to ask Kuroo Tetsurou, that’s how he would’ve describe Kenma Kozume to anyone who asked about the golden cat-eyed boy with the hair that looked like pudding and the tendency to hide behind his hair and a video game.

 Gentle, fleeting touches mixed with whispers of secrets only meant to be spilled in the cover of night. Tears that accompanied knees being pulled up to the chest and strong arms wrapped around a tiny body. The sound of rain falling on a roof in the middle of the night. A warmth that bloomed in one’s chest from the simple touch of a lover spreading throughout your chest light a slow burn.

 “Tetsurou...can you please pay attention? How many times do I need to ask you to stop staring out that window and focus?” his teacher asked sternly. Kuroo lowered his head slightly, his eyes slowly scanning over the mess of words scribbled in his notebook. He didn’t even remember writing any of it down. 

 He couldn’t focus, couldn’t hear the teacher’s words as he lectured. The thoughts in his head were too loud, drowning out all surrounding noises, distractions, everything. Tilting his head to the side slightly, Kuroo’s eyes landed on the empty desk next to him. 

 It had been seven days since Kenma had last been at school. Seven days since Kuroo had last seen the beautiful, golden-eyed boy who left so much mystery surrounding him that even after getting to know him, you felt compelled to ask more, to know more. There had to be more about him.

 But no, Kuroo had learned that Kenma had been a simple person who just had an air of mystery surrounding him because of how shy he was and how often he’d disappear like a stray cat, only to return when hunting was sparse because it knew it would be fed by the house that it frequented.

 The bell rang, shaking Kuroo from his thoughts. He quickly gathering his books and shoved them into his bag in an attempt to leave the class before his teacher stopped him to talk. Everyone had become worried about Kuroo. He came to practice less, his grades were dropping, and he rarely every hung out with anyone on the team even during school and it was all because Kenma was missing. 

 

* * *

 

_** 2 years before ** _

“Hey Kuroo...do you ever just want to..” Kenma started softly, sighing as he reached up and frustratedly ran his hands through his hair. Kuroo looked at Kenma, only being able to make out the outline of his face, the soft curve of his nose and pout of his lips illuminated by the moonlight as they lay on the roof of Kuroo’s house. They had been laying there in a mutual quiet, a silent agreement between the two that talking wasn’t necessary as they enjoyed the stars and the moon, listening to distant sounds of cars and other sounds of the city. As Kenma began to speak again, his voice seemed even quieter, a little dejected even. “Never mind, it’s a stupid question...”

 Kuroo frowned slightly, pushing himself up on his elbows so he could look at Kenma better. Kenma stared up at Kuroo, the moon reflecting beautifully in his eyes, before shyly turning his head so that he was looking away from the other and his hair covered his face.

 “Kenma, none of your questions are stupid and even if they were you know I wouldn’t make fun of them and still answer them. I’ve told you this before,” Kuroo said softly. He felt that if he spoke too loud he’d ruin everything, that he’d scare Kenma away. He didn’t reach out to touch the smaller boy but instead he just sat there, hoping Kenma would continue.

 They both that sat way in silence for a few more minutes before Kenma sat up, turning his face upwards and staring wistfully up at the night sky as if searching for the right words. 

 “...do you ever just want to run away?” 

 Those words threw Kuroo off guard. Such a question coming from someone who rarely ever seemed to want to do anything other than play video games all day was just so out of character but he refused to see it as a stupid question. Kuroo took a deep breath in, holding it for a second as he thought.

 “Well...not really. I like it here. I love the team, I love all my friends....” he said, trailing off as he let his head fall to the side to look at Kenma. “Do _you_ ever just want to run away?”

 There was a silence between them after Kuroo asked that question, one that seemed to make Kuroo’s chest tighten only slightly as he watched the way Kenma turned his head away again to look out over the city with a distant look in his eyes. He opened his mouth as if to answer Kuroo’s question, but closed it slowly soon after. Did Kenma not have an answer?

 Kuroo didn’t want to press the subject but there was a feeling in his stomach that poked at him, prodded and jabbed him with a stick repeating ‘ask him again, ask him again. There has to be a reason he asked, ask him again.’ Before he could control his curiosity, his mouth had opened and the question slipped out.

 “Kenma, do you want to run away?” The tone of his voice surprised himself, it was more demanding then he had realized. Kenma seemed to flinch only slightly at the tone of Kuroo’s voice. He reached over to the blonde, gently brushing his hair behind his ear so he could see his face.

 “....All the time,” Kenma said softly, looking down for a second before looking up at Kuroo. His hands brushed along the other’s cheek gently after fixing his hair, lingering for a second before pulling away.

 “Where would you go?” Kuroo asked as he looked thoughtfully at Kenma. Unlike any other person who would start to ask why he wanted to or any other personal question Kuroo knew would make Kenma uncomfortable, he decided to entertain the question at hand. He was slightly curious about where he’d go.

 Kenma only shrugged as he played with his untied shoe laces. “I’ve always wanted to go to Nara...” he said, sighing softly as he stood up. Shivering slightly he glanced down at Kuroo. “It’s late...I have to go.” And with that, Kenma slipped back inside through the window, made his way downstairs, and slipped off into the night as he made his way back to his own house leaving Kuroo sitting on the roof alone wishing he could just say more to Kenma.

* * *

 

**_ Present _ **

 “Come sit with us today, Kuroo,” a voice said behind him as he walked through the hall. Kuroo turned, looking back to see Yaku, Lev, Yamamoto, and Kai. Yaku stepped forward, looking up at their captain. “Please...you’ve barely spoken to any of us..”

 Kuroo could see how much he was worrying his whole team. He was the captain, he was supposed to be strong, to set an example for everyone but what he was doing was none of the above. He hesitated before shaking his head slightly, trying to smile if only a little.

 “Ah, I’m sorry guys..I’m going to go sit on the roof today, ya know...get some fresh air...” Kuroo said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head. It wasn’t a total lie, fresh air might be nice right now. But the roof was a place he and Kenma frequently went whenever they could just to be alone. Kenma wasn’t one for social interaction, the roof was an escape for him, especially when he had a panic attack. Kuroo always knew where to find the blonde if he ever went missing during school or practice, but this time was different. 

 He had been gone for a week. Kuroo had checked every spot he could think of. Every secret hiding place, every favorite hangout spot, every little nook and cranny he could think of but to no there was no trace of Kenma.

 Kuroo heard people whispering in the hall. Some said Kenma had left the country, others said he was probably murdered on the streets and they had hid the body. He didn’t like anything he heard, not even the good ones about him accepting an early scholarship to a college in the United States. He just wanted Kenma here with him. He missed his setter, his best friend. 

 Was there something else Kuroo wanted to call Kenma? There was an ache in his chest that told him that Kenma was more than a friend but he refused to think of it. Sure, he was okay with the thought of liking both guys and girls and he knew his friends wouldn’t mind either, but Kenma? No, Kenma was his best friend. The feelings he felt for him were just that of a great friendship. The relationship between the setter and his captain, childhood friends, nothing more.

 As Kuroo sat on the roof, he pulled out his phone and clicked on his messages with Kenma. He had hope desperately that the other would text him, even if just a simple stupid emoji. Something, a sign he was okay, a sign he was...alive.

 He couldn’t help but read over the messages from the last day he had both texted and seen Kenma, maybe there was a clue somewhere. Maybe Kenma wanted Kuroo to find him. Maybe...

 Kitten =^.^= : Don’t be late for class today, I’m not covering for you.

 

Bed Head : Don’t worry kitten, I’m never late ;)

 

Kitten =^.^= : How many times do i have to tell you to stop with that kitten bs, it’s stupid

 

Bed Head : if you say so

 

Bed Head : kitten

 

Kitten =^.^= : You’re not allowed to come over today. I’m locking the doors

 

Bed Head : awwww come on, I was only kidding plsssss 

 

Bed Head : I’ll bring you apple pie after school when I come over

 

Kitten =^.^= : ......

 

Kitten =^.^= : ok.

 Nothing. Just a stupid conversation about stupid apple pie. Kuroo scrolled down a little more looking at the, rare, selfie Kenma had sent later that day when he was waiting for Kuroo to come over after after he had gone to his house to change after practice.

 Kenma was sitting on his bed, holding a giant cat stuffed animal that Kuroo had gotten him for his birthday the year before. Papers were scattered about on the bed behind him along with his game controller and what looked like a postcard or photograph of some kind. The background was a little blurry so Kuroo couldn’t tell but maybe there was a clue to where Kenma had gone hidden in his room somewhere. 

 That small bit of hope put a smile on Kuroo’s face. Maybe there was a chance that he would find Kenma soon and put this whole mess behind him. Despite having already looked around Kenma’s room once, he hadn’t looked too hard since he didn’t really know what to look for or where to look. He still didn’t really have a clue _where_ to look exactly but at least he had an inkling of an idea of what he was looking _for_.

 “I’m going to find you, Kenma...” Kuroo said to himself, leaning his head back to look up at the clouds that drifted along in the breeze of the cool autumn afternoon. The sound of dried leaves swirling about in the breeze mixed with the scent of an oncoming rain storm hung heavy in the air as Kuroo closed his eyes. “I swear...I’m going to...”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been waiting to update, half because of writers block (already) and procrastination and half because I was trying to decide the overall events of this fic. I've decided that I'll only be updating once a month because it's actually very hard for me to write 1k+ words for one chapter. I'll be updating anywhere from the 17-23 of each month until the fic is complete (hoping that I do complete it) I also want to say a huge thanks to everyone who has left kudos and comments as well as just reading my fic, it really means a lot to me. Alright well, let's get on with this chapter.

_"I thought you said you cared about me?"_

_"I do! I do care about you! Where are you even getting the idea that I don't?"_

_"I can tell... I can see it in your eyes."_

_"Kenma... please believe me... I lo-"_

Kuroo shot up in his bed, his heart pounding as he gasped for air hoping to relieve the burning sensation in his lungs as if he had been holding his breath. He reached up the rub his face and noticed his cheeks were wet. Had he really been crying in his sleep? He let out a tiny, shuddering sigh as his shoulders hunched forward and his head dropped down towards his chest. He wanted the dreams to stop, the nightmares, whatever they were. He didn't know if he could consider them nightmares but they bothered him more than any other dreams did, especially ever since Kenma had disappeared.

He glanced over at the digital clock that sat on the small beside table next to his bed. Squinting slightly against the rather annoying blue light it radiated, he frowned and ran a hand through his hair as he quietly slipped out of his bed. It was 2:28 a.m. He searched around his room blindly, not bothering to assault his eyes by turning on the lights. Grabbing what he assumed was his hoodie, he roughly pulled it over his head and snuck downstairs. He bit his lip as he slowly unlocked the front door, slipping on his shoes as he went outside, pulling the door closed behind him as quiet as possible.

A cold, autumn breeze nipped as his hands as he quickly jogged across the grass and then the road. He hesitated as he stood in front of the ivory door that was usually decorated with small seasonal decoration but now stood before him with an eerie emptiness. He wanted to turn back to his house and not bother anyone but he knew at this point sleep would be impossible. Knocking softly, he inwardly hoped no one would answer the door.

Much to his surprise, and disappointment, the porch light flickered on. Seconds later he heard the locks being undone and the door opened. A tired woman with black hair that went a little past her shoulders and eyes that held a strange sort of emptiness looked up at him. A tiny smile graced her lips as she opened the door a little wider. She was a petite little thing, her head coming just up under Kuroo's chin as he engulfed her in a tight hug.

"Sorry to bother you at a time like this Kozume-san..." Kuroo said quietly as he felt her arms tighten around his torso.

"It's alright, Kuroo. You're always welcome here," she said as she let out a tired sigh. "No matter what."

They stood in a tight embrace for a couple more seconds before she closed the door and guided Kuroo over to the couch, fussing over him going out into the cold with only a hoodie and his volleyball shorts on. She wrapped him in a blanket before disappearing into the kitchen and returning minutes later with two cups of tea. Kuroo watched her quietly, a small frown drawing his eyebrows together as he noticed the dark circles under her eyes.

"Kozume-san, are you getting any sleep?" Kuroo asked, thanking her for the tea before blowing on it.

"At times," she said, trying to give him a small, reassuring smile but all it really did was just prove how tired she really was. "Kenma disappearing... has been hard on everyone, I'm no exception but I just know he's out there and he's okay and he'll come back-" She stopped as she realized she had started crying again. Apologizing softly as she wiped her cheeks, she put on another soft smile. 

The way Kozume-san smiled always had a way of reaching the depths of one's soul, a soft warmth blooming at the happiness and love the smile radiated. It was one thing that Kenma had definitely got from her, besides his beautiful eyes. His eyes lowered to look down at his tea, both hands wrapped around the cup like Kenma used to do. He felt a hand on his knee and looked at her.

"I know you miss him too, Kuroo..." Kozume-san said, her voice barely above a whisper. "But we have to believe..that he'll come back to us or they'll find him and he'll be alright." Kuroo knew he couldn't talk anymore without fearing that his voice would fail him and he knew that she understood. They sat together in silence as they drank their tea, listening to the sound of the wind outside which had gradually gotten stronger. Kozume-san stood up, picking up their empty cups. Just before she disappeared into the kitchen, Kuroo stopped her.  
  
"U-um Kozu- Maiyu...Can I stay the night...in Kenma's room?" Kuroo asked hesitantly, watching the way her eyes sparkled slightly.

"Of course you can, Kuroo," she said, disappearing into the kitchen. Kuroo got up, making his way over to the stairs. Just before he was about to go up, Maiyu came back out of the kitchen. "And Kuroo, I'm glad you finally started calling me by my first name. You know you don't have to be so formal around me." Kuroo nodded as he looked back at her.

"I know Koz- Maiyu, I've just been raised which respect beat into me," Kuroo said. Maiyu laughed softly, leaning against the door frame.

"Ah yes, Naomi is quite a stickler for respect although she does get out of hand at times. Anyway, go get some sleep. We all need it," Maiyu said, turning off the kitchen lights as Kuroo walked upstairs. "Goodnight Tetsurou," she called out from downstairs. Kuroo couldn't help but smile.

"Goodnight Kozume-san," he called back before slipping into Kenma's room and closing the door.

Running his hand along the wall, he turned on the small lamp next to Kenma's bed. His eyes adjusted quickly to the soft lighting as he looked around the room. Everything was still where it had been left since Kenma's had last been here, since Kuroo had last looked around the room. He felt a tightness in his chest as he sat down slowly on the edge of the bed as if he was afraid to disturb anything. It felt so different, so lonely and lifeless without Kenma laying on his bed, without the soft sounds of a video game mixed with the white noise of the fan whirring softly overhead. 

* * *

_** 2 years before ** _

"Oh my god, Kuroo get off of me right now before I never talk to you ever again," Kenma whined, straining to keep his DS in his hands as Kuroo laid over him dramatically. He gasped mockingly, putting his hand over his heart but smirking.

"You would never," Kuroo said as he looked at Kenma but he got off the other and just sat next to him, watching him finish his game. He closed his DS, sitting up and looking at Kuroo. 

"...I want mochi," Kenma said, sliding past Kuroo and practically flying down the stairs and into the kitchen. Kuroo smiled as he got up, following the other. When he reached the kitchen, Kenma already had a mouthful of mochi and powered sugar all over his lips. Kuroo sat down next to the other, stealing some mochi and taking a satisfied bite as Kenma whined at him for stealing his food. They sat in silence, enjoying their treat before Kuroo spoke up.

"Your birthday is coming up soon, did you want anything specific?" Kuroo asked, reaching over with a spit-dampened napkin and wiping at the powdered sugar on Kenma's lips and face. Kenma frowned, batting Kuroo's hand away.

"Not really," Kenma said, shrugging as he looked at Kuroo. "Maybe just some apple pie or something..." Kuroo smiled as he pulled out an envelope and set it on the table.

"Well...sorry to disappoint but I already got you something and it's not apple pie."

"Kuroo, it's not even my birthday yet-"

"I know, I know but just...open it."

Kenma sighed as he reached out, taking the envelope and holding it in his hands for a second. He glanced up at Kuroo, who nodded again as if reassuring him that it was okay for him to open it, before carefully tearing it open. He pulled out a few small slips of paper, frowning in confusion before his eyes widened and he looked up at Kuroo.   
  
"Kuroo no-"

"Kenma shut up. They weren't that expensive, it'll just be for two days so we'll stay overnight at a small hotel with a bath house. I know you said you wanted to go to Nara."

"B-but I didn't want you to spend money on something like this!" Kenma said but he couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his lips. Kuroo pulled him into a hug. 

"Just shut up and get excited for the trip." Kuroo said softly, smiling as he felt Kenma hug him back.

* * *

 

Kuroo was now laying on his back on Kenma's bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. It had only been a little over an hour since he had come over to the Kozume house and Maiyu had gone to bed. His hand clenched tightly around one of Kenma's shirts he had taken from the closet, holding it close as he breathed in the warm scent that lingered on the shirt. It was as if Kenma had just worn the shirt or like he was laying there next to Kuroo.

He was startled as his phone started buzzing and he fumbled around, fishing it out of his pocket. He squinted as he stared at the screen, an unknown number showing up. He frowned slightly and ignored it, setting it down next to himself and just laying there until it stopped buzzing. The room fell silent again besides the soft whirring of the fan and the sound of the wind outside.

Just as Kuroo's eyes began to close his phone started ringing again. With an annoyed sigh, he grabbed his phone and answered it.

"Hello?" Kuroo asked, frowning slightly as he waited for a response. When no one said anything, he groaned softly. "Ok whatever kind of joke this is, it's not fun-"

"Kuroo?" A small voice said on the other end. He instantly sat up, his eyes widening as his breath caught in his throat.

"...Kenma?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is about 200 words less than the first chapter and I apologize. I hope you liked it and I'm sorry its a little rushed and maybe not the best. Anyway, I hope you at least enjoyed it a little and I'll be updating this fic again in a month (or maybe sooner if I find motivation)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to hard to get this up in the time I said I'd update. I'm so sorry about this guys, I was sick for like three weeks and on top of that my job is giving me 24+ hours of work a week and I'm so burned out at this point. I apologize if this chapter isn't the best but I'm trying for you guys. And thanks to everyone who's left kudos and comments, I see all of you and want to acknowledge you all! Thank you guys so so much. I hope you all have a merry Christmas/happy holidays/great new years by the way!

An almost painful sense of nostalgia tightened in his chest, a burning lump formed in his throat as the oh-so-familiar voice of his best friend crackled through the phone. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he so desperately waited for the other to say something, anything. Time itself seemed to come to a stop as he focused on nothing but the white noise and the soft breathing coming from the phone.

"Kuroo I...." Kenma started softly, a light sniffle breaking off his sentence. "...I just wanted to say I'm sorry." Kuroo stiffened slightly at Kenma's words, gripping tightly at the shirt he had been holding. So many questions ran through his head but none of them seemed right. They all seemed so harsh or too straightforward and knew Kenma wouldn't answer them. It was all so much...too much.

"Kenma, why," Kuroo gritted out, keeping his teeth clenched a he lowered his head. Staring down at the comforter beneath him, he held onto his phone tighter. The question seemed to startle Kenma as he heard a tiny gasp come from the other end. There was a long stretch of silence between the two, one that seemed to make it harder for Kuroo to breathe.

He was never one to snap at Kenma in any way, only once had he done it and regretted it immediately. Kuroo felt tears burn at his eyes, watching them as they ran down his nose and fell onto the comforter. He only gritted his teeth harder, holding back a sob that made it's way into his throat.

"Why what? Ku-"

"Why did you leave?!" 

His voice sounded trapped in his chest as he squeezed his eyes shut, waiting to hear the dial tone signaling that Kenma had hung up on him. Seconds felt like minutes as they ticked by slowly but Kenma never hung up. Kuroo did, however, hear soft sniffles and quiet sobs coming from the other.

"I-I'm sorry Kuroo. I r-really am," his voice sounded so broken, so exhausted. Kenma sighed loudly, trying to hold back more tears that he knew he wouldn't be able to keep at bay for much longer. "I-I just....I got tired."

Tired? Kuroo wiped at his eyes as he listened to every word, holding onto them as if they were physical evidence that he could show to others to prove Kenma was okay, that he was alive, that there was still hope he would come back.

"Tired? Kenma, tired of what? What does that mean? If you're tired of volleyball, it's okay. You can stop playing, you could've told me I would've been okay with it. And if you're tired of hanging out with the team during school and stuff all the time that's okay too. You don't have to, we can go somewhere else. And-"

"Kuroo, no," Kenma stopped him, sounding more straightforward than he ever had. Something in Kuroo's chest told him to run, but to where? Where was Kenma? He wanted to be there, he needed to be there. Something was wrong, something was so very wrong with everything that was unfolding before him but he had yet to piece together everything that would spell it all out for him. "I have to go...."

"No! Kenma, no. Don't go. I swear to god, Kenma do not hang up the phone..." Kuroo started pleading, shaking his head wildly as if Kenma could see him and see how much this was hurting him. But what if Kenma could see him? What if he could see his tears, his pain? Would that even change any of this? "Kenma please..."

* * *

_ **1 and a half years before** _

"Kenma, are you okay?" Kuroo asked, practically sprinting over to the setter as the sound of the volleyball bouncing across the floor echoed through the now silent gym. The whole team slowly started moving towards Kenma who was on the ground, hiding his face as he tried recovering from the spike he had just taken directly to the face. No one spoke as they stood back, watching as Kuroo kneeled down next to Kenma and gently grabbed his wrist. "Let me see."

Yaku turned, running into the locker room and grabbing some paper towels and returning quickly. He handed them to Kuroo who pressed them gently to Kenma's nose as he stood up slowly, carefully helping the other up. Kenma kept his head down so that his hair covered his face while Kuroo led him towards the locker room.

"Everyone keep practicing, we'll be back," Kuroo shouted back to the team. They all tore their eyes away from the two and quickly got back to practice. The squeak of shoes on the gym floor was muffled from the locker room as Kuroo sat the other down on one of the benches. "Let me see how bad it is..."

Kenma shook his head slightly but didn't shy away from Kuroo's touch as he reached up and gently pulled away the paper towels. There was a fair amount of blood but his nose was okay, it would probably just be bruised for quite a while. After letting Kenma know, he went over to the sink and got some new paper towels. He got them damp before returning, kneeling down in from of him and gently wiping at the blood. 

"I gotta hand it to you, you took a spike straight to the face from Yamamoto and you're okay." Finishing what he was doing, Kuroo looked at Kenma rather intently and frowned slightly. "You are okay...right?" His voice was soft as he noticed the distant look in his setter's eyes.

"Y-yeah...Kuroo, I'm fine," Kenma said, his voice just barely above a whisper. Kuroo opened his mouth to argue but noticed the way Kenma seemed to flinch at the indication of what he thought would be a harsh objection. He gently placed his hand on Kenma's knee. 

"You know I'm not just your captain, I'm your best friend. You can tell me anything," Kuroo assured the other, the sound of the other whooping and hollering from the gym seemed to fade at he focused on Kenma who seemed to shift uncomfortably under his gaze. They sat there in silence for a few minutes before Kuroo realized Kenma wasn't going to say anything more. With a tiny sigh, he stood up and threw away the dirty paper towels. "You don't have to come out and practice right now if you don't want. You can take a few minutes to yourself, alright?"

He headed towards the door, reaching out to open it before Kenma stopped him.

"Kuroo, wait." Kenma's voice echoed through the empty locker room, breaking slightly. Kuroo quickly turned back to look at him and saw the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks. 

"Christ, Kenma..." Kuroo whispered as he quickly walked back over to Kenma and wrapped his arms around him tightly. It hurt him to see Kenma cry, but it hurt him even more that he didn't know why and felt like he should do something but had no idea what. They stood there, Kuroo's arms wrapped tightly around Kenma as he cried softly against the other's chest. He didn't bother Kenma to tell him what was wrong, knowing he'd tell him when he was ready. 

At some point Yaku poked his head into the locker room, looking at the two but Kuroo only gave him a look that told him they wouldn't be returning to practice. Yaku nodded and took over practice, ending it early and sending everyone home. Kuroo packed up Kenma's stuff for him, carrying it as he walked with the other who sniffled occasionally on their walk to the train station. It was much later than Kuroo had realized but they got onto the train silently, Kenma sitting rather close to Kuroo.

"I'm sorry," Kenma murmured, not looking up at Kuroo who looked at him with a confused expression.

"About what? Practice? Don't be sorry about that, Kenma. Real-"

"No. I'm sorry that I'm so...weak." Kenma shifted slightly in his seat. Kuroo only looked at him silently, slightly stunned before he leaned close. His forehead just barely touched Kenma's head as his lips ghosted just barely over Kenma's ear.

"No Kenma, you're not. Don't say things like that about yourself."

Kenma bit down on his bottom lip as he listened to Kuroo's words, feeling tears sting at his eyes yet again. Kuroo moved back so he wasn't so close but didn't go too far away as Kenma seemed to want to stay close to him. They rode the rest of the way in silence.

* * *

The sound of the dial tone made his stomach drop as he felt a sob rip it's way from his chest. His phone slipped from his hand, landing with a dull thud on the bed as he stared in shock at his phone. He felt like he had lost his only chance to find Kenma. What if that was the last time he heard his voice? He'd never forgive himself if he never got to say goodbye or even truly tell Kenma how much he meant to him.

He buried his face in Kenma's shirt, trying to stop the tears that only seemed to come quicker with every passing second. Kuroo needed Kenma, more than anything and he wanted to do whatever he could to find him. His tears slowed as he sat up straight, wiping his eyes as he looked around the dark room as if he could see what he was looking for, but what was he looking for?

There had to be something here that could help him. Moving off the bed, Kuroo turned on the small desk lamp and started looking through Kenma's things. Nothing stood out to him, that is until he found a tiny leather-bound notebook that he'd never seen before. He picking it up carefully, as if handling it carelessly would cause it to turn to ash before him. He opened it, finding Kenma's rather neat handwriting covering the pages.

Kuroo flipped through the pages covered in writing, he didn't know Kenma wrote this much ever and that included his homework. He didn't read it all, only skimmed the writing until he reached a page that caught his attention.

_Dear Kuroo,_

_If you're reading this, that means 1) you've found my notebook and, 2) I'm gone. Whether I'm gone because I just decided to leave or I'm gone because dying was easy and living was harder, I myself won't be sure and you may not be either. I just want you to know that, wherever I am, it's probably better for me and everyone else. You, my mom, the team, I never really belonged anywhere. I was pretty much a straggler, a burden to everyone and my leaving is probably a weight off everyone's shoulders...even to you. You may not think that now but you'll realize it soon enough, I promise. I don't want you to cry, I've only seen you cry once and you don't know that but I hate seeing you cry. It hurts me. So please, don't cry. I don't want you to hurt over something I did because it had to happen. I don't even know what to say. I have all these feelings but I don't even think words can describe it all. The only way to really, truly get my feelings onto this paper would be to spill my blood and let it write for me. I just want to apologize for all the years I've held you back from everything, for all the times I've caused you problems. If there's one thing I'll remember for the rest of my life, it'll be our trip to Nara. I don't think I could ever thank you enough for giving me something that no one had ever given me. And Kuroo,_

_I love you._

_-Kenma_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh you guys I'm so sorry this chapter is lowkey really shitty and I know there's probably a lot of typos but I'm tired and I have no energy to fix it right now. And yes, I did lowkey quote Hamilton in this chapter. I've had like -37 motivation for writing lately. I'll try to update sooner next time! Have a great Christmas everyone!


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